Last year...
Well, i did it!!! Boston to Provincetown. On a bike. A crappy bike. A crappy mountain bike I bought from Target 3 weeks before the ride.
150 excruciating miles of peddling a mountain bike up and down, hill after hill, town after town, curse after curse, all the way to the Key West of the north. This officially goes down as the hardest thing I've ever done but also one of the few things i've ever been truly proud of myself for accomplishing.
The following is a play-by-play of the ride.
Cape Cod MS 150 mile Bike Ride
Oh crap, it's officially here. Time to do a last minute inventory. Too-tight team biking shirt - check. Padded spandex butt-shorts - check. Non-chafe crotch cream - check. Dignity - left at home.
Let's do this!!!
Day 1, 5:30 AM, Mile 0: Arrive at Marina Bay to the site of over 2000 people, 2000 bikes and a festive air of music, food & drinks. First thing i note is that, so far, i'm the only one with a mountain bike. By the end of the ride i will have counted only 5. I note this so you understand how idiotic i am. Many of you know this already.
Mile 1, 8:15: And were off! People line the streets, cheers abound, smiles flourish! 75 Miles to the beer tent. Chuck cant wait!
Mile 15: So far, i've learned 2 things. 1) Butt pads are magical.
2) when passing someone it is polite to say, "On your left."
Number of times i said this, Zero. Fuck me.
Mile 25: Oh crap, this is harder than i thought. Finally passed somebody though! She looked like she might have been a 2nd trimester prego..but still, i passed her!
Mile 40: Stopped at the official team rest stop where much food and drink was available. Unfortunately everybody else was already gone so i sat alone and ate watermelon, fluffer-nutters and drank gatorade.
Mile 44: Effing vuvuzelas (those damn soccer horns). People along the route..STOP!!! They're as annoying in person as they are on tv.
Mile 51: In my boredom i started counting all the times somebody said, "On your left". It currently stands at 326. At 1000 i just might murder somebody. 24 Miles to the beer tent.
Mile 58: Another mile, another hill, another butt-whooping. There's no way I'm gonna finish this thing. The suck-bus (bus that picks up people that cant finish) just left. Seriously considered getting on it. Must. Go. On.
Mile 63: The magical unicorn tears that make butt pads so magical are starting to wear off. Could be a problem. The following is a list of people that have passed me in the last few miles - that prego lady, a fat guy in a one-piece leotard (disturbing), a lady with a stroller and a squirrel.
Mile 67: 8 more miles. Want to die.
Mile 75, End of day 1: Finished. Drinking. Still want to die.
Day 2, Mile 75: Slept in a miserably hot dorm room. Actually, i laid down in said room as very little sleep was had due to the lack of a/c, hearing everything in the bathroom across the hall and the pounding of the door everytime somebody got locked out. I'm tired, hot, miserable, in loads of pain and my freaking butt is killing me! No way i finish today. Ive starting plotting my escape plan on the suck-bus.
Mile 90: Like milk on a hot day, a mountain bike was a bad idea. I cant do this. Im taking the suck-bus at the next rest stop.
Mile 100: Don't know exactly what happened/changed, but my mental fortitude kicked in and i decided to kick this race in the gnards! There was no way i was gonna answer the question, "Did you finish?" with the answer "No". There was no way i could look Emily (the girlfriend) in the eye at the end and tell her i took the suck-bus. There was no way that how i felt was harder then what Liam has gone through. Peddle on you woosie!!!
Mile 128: Im absolutely dying! My butts numb, my quads are both cramping and my right knee is screaming. Also, i think im hallucinating. Rob Sneider is running beside me saying, "You can do it!" Seriously, am i officially going crazy???
136 down, 14 to go. Provincetown, you're about to be owned!
Mile 174: For some absurd reason they saved the hardest for last. The previous 10 miles were hell incarnate. Hwy 6A, i will never forgive you for your blisteringly mountainous hills.
150 excruciating miles of peddling a mountain bike up and down, hill after hill, town after town, curse after curse, all the way to the Key West of the north. This officially goes down as the hardest thing I've ever done but also one of the few things i've ever been truly proud of myself for accomplishing.
The following is a play-by-play of the ride.
Cape Cod MS 150 mile Bike Ride
Oh crap, it's officially here. Time to do a last minute inventory. Too-tight team biking shirt - check. Padded spandex butt-shorts - check. Non-chafe crotch cream - check. Dignity - left at home.
Let's do this!!!
Day 1, 5:30 AM, Mile 0: Arrive at Marina Bay to the site of over 2000 people, 2000 bikes and a festive air of music, food & drinks. First thing i note is that, so far, i'm the only one with a mountain bike. By the end of the ride i will have counted only 5. I note this so you understand how idiotic i am. Many of you know this already.
Mile 1, 8:15: And were off! People line the streets, cheers abound, smiles flourish! 75 Miles to the beer tent. Chuck cant wait!
Mile 15: So far, i've learned 2 things. 1) Butt pads are magical.
2) when passing someone it is polite to say, "On your left."
Number of times i said this, Zero. Fuck me.
Mile 25: Oh crap, this is harder than i thought. Finally passed somebody though! She looked like she might have been a 2nd trimester prego..but still, i passed her!
Mile 40: Stopped at the official team rest stop where much food and drink was available. Unfortunately everybody else was already gone so i sat alone and ate watermelon, fluffer-nutters and drank gatorade.
Mile 44: Effing vuvuzelas (those damn soccer horns). People along the route..STOP!!! They're as annoying in person as they are on tv.
Mile 51: In my boredom i started counting all the times somebody said, "On your left". It currently stands at 326. At 1000 i just might murder somebody. 24 Miles to the beer tent.
Mile 58: Another mile, another hill, another butt-whooping. There's no way I'm gonna finish this thing. The suck-bus (bus that picks up people that cant finish) just left. Seriously considered getting on it. Must. Go. On.
Mile 63: The magical unicorn tears that make butt pads so magical are starting to wear off. Could be a problem. The following is a list of people that have passed me in the last few miles - that prego lady, a fat guy in a one-piece leotard (disturbing), a lady with a stroller and a squirrel.
Mile 67: 8 more miles. Want to die.
Mile 75, End of day 1: Finished. Drinking. Still want to die.
Day 2, Mile 75: Slept in a miserably hot dorm room. Actually, i laid down in said room as very little sleep was had due to the lack of a/c, hearing everything in the bathroom across the hall and the pounding of the door everytime somebody got locked out. I'm tired, hot, miserable, in loads of pain and my freaking butt is killing me! No way i finish today. Ive starting plotting my escape plan on the suck-bus.
Mile 90: Like milk on a hot day, a mountain bike was a bad idea. I cant do this. Im taking the suck-bus at the next rest stop.
Mile 100: Don't know exactly what happened/changed, but my mental fortitude kicked in and i decided to kick this race in the gnards! There was no way i was gonna answer the question, "Did you finish?" with the answer "No". There was no way i could look Emily (the girlfriend) in the eye at the end and tell her i took the suck-bus. There was no way that how i felt was harder then what Liam has gone through. Peddle on you woosie!!!
Mile 128: Im absolutely dying! My butts numb, my quads are both cramping and my right knee is screaming. Also, i think im hallucinating. Rob Sneider is running beside me saying, "You can do it!" Seriously, am i officially going crazy???
136 down, 14 to go. Provincetown, you're about to be owned!
Mile 174: For some absurd reason they saved the hardest for last. The previous 10 miles were hell incarnate. Hwy 6A, i will never forgive you for your blisteringly mountainous hills.
Mile 175: Against all odd (Vegas had me at 100-1), with a mountain bike (worst idea ever), with secret bets being made against my survival and with my body telling me to quit at every ungodly steep hill...i finished!!! The crowds were lined up and Emily somehow got the microphone from the announcer and cheered me in!
No comments:
Post a Comment