The Internet is full of vivid and wonderful characters that are hidden behind a screen of limitless safety that’s tightly wrapped up with an ambiguous username. While this has led to a generation of idiots and racists that 'troll' the Internet looking to harass without fear of reprisal, a surprising changing of the guard has conspired over the past few years. A new breed of exasperated comment-stalkers called the "Grammar Troll".
The Grammar Troll loves nothing more than to scour the Internet looking for the improper use of a few words and then pounce immediately with their petulant brand of trolling humor. But don’t be fooled by the Grammar Troll - their ultimate understanding of the entire book on grammar and spelling ends somewhere around 6 words:
1) Than/then 2) your/you're 3) there/their
While there are literally billions of instances of subpar grammar and spelling on the Internet (ie, any comment section of any site), they keep their sights set small and look for the small inconsequential misuses of certain words whenever the chance presents itself. Facebook is literally full of snarky comments like: “*you’re not your…learn the difference dumbass” and “check a dictionary once in a while you donkey”.
So to the Grammar Trolls of the interwebs: let’s take a moment and pump the breaks on your (or is it you’re) internet proof-reading. In the end, it’s the meaning of the comment that slightly trumps your empty benevolence on the matter of proper wording and appropriate spelling. The internet has enough trolls, don’t be another one.
On a number of occasions, I have referenced the movie
Idiocracy as a means to highlight some of the dumber things that have transpired
in the world that exists today. The grossly under-rated film by Mike Judge (of
Office Space and Beavis & Butthead fame) prognosticates the world of 2505
where out-of-control breeding of earth’s IQ-challenged populace has culminated
in the ultimate banality of lower intelligence. While this movie takes place
another 493 years from now, many of Judges’ visions of a distant future exist
today. Here are 5 things that are, unfortunately, already true.
1. Stupid is
as stupid does
The gene pool is completely dumbed down when stupid people have
even stupider kids. There is nothing poor people, with little to no
intelligence, love to do more than have unprotected sex with as many equally
dumb people as possible. There’s also
nothing rich self-absorbed athlete’s love to do more than have unprotected sex
with as many self-absorbed fans/groupies as possible.
When poor idiots and rich athletes aren’t busy
knocking out their spawn, Middle American teens are busy rocking the reality TV circuit with their oh-so-tough lives of living off daddy while knocking boots with
Cleetus from down the block. Each episode is watched by 3.8 million Americans who are, by
watching, equally helping contribute to
the dumbing down of society. By the time MTV air's Teen Mom 8 we can effectively signal the end of our society.
2. The Emmy goes
to, “Ow, my balls”
Future society’s
favorite TV show is a prime-time program that is comprised entirely of scenes in
which people get punched in the balls. 505 years earlier, Ow, My Balls
was called Jackass. It garnered 24
episodes, 5 movies, 5 spin-offs and even a video game. 25 years earlier we
watched Bob Saget host a plethora of clips involving object-to-gonad videos for
our viewing pleasure on America’s
Funniest Home Videos (eventually shortened to AFV for the
syllable-challenged viewing populace).
Oh yeah, this show has been running for 23 YEARS!!!!! Fact: we love watching people get hit in the balls
more than any other single thing on earth.
3. And the
Oscar for best movie goes to….ASS!
The 2505 movie simply titled, ASS, won
every single Oscar that year. It was the heart-wrenching tale of an emotional
decent into questionable morality through the eyes of a blameless child. Just
kidding, it was 120 minutes of a person’s ass on screen. Similarly, Twilight
won every single MTV Movie award that it was nominated for this year. It was 117
minutes of this face:
Fun fact: Mrs Team Edward is the
highest grossing actress of 2011. Dear God, please have somebody kick me in the
balls (and Make sure Bob Saget is narrating).
4. Language has deteriorated into a
hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl, inter-city slang and grunts
Read the comment section of any website and you'll recognize that this hybrid
already exists. Comment sections seem to
exist solely for uber-racists to spout off mispelted commants bout there luv of Hitler bak yonder n how d Tytanik wuz fak-sunking by aliem jewz 2 cova up the holywud fak-shiite mune-landing hollowcaste. Or something like that.
It’s cost over 150 million (or the
amount of child support Antonio Cromartie will pay in his lifetime to cover his
12 bastards) in taxpayer dollars to cover the investigation and trials of the
Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds steroid-based perjury cases. And what did 150 million dollars get
the taxpayers of America? They were both acquitted of all charges except one:
being really huge assholes.
